England 5 - 1 Kazakhstan

On the face of it a respectable scoreline with just one or two notable exceptions. Firstly, Kazakhstan 1??!?!?!?!?? What the fuck is going on? A country ranked below Hong Kong and "New Caledonia (according to David Pleat) - scored, abeit with an able Ashley Cole assist, against England. The other tiny problems were a) England were shit and b) Steven Gerrard was playing. I don't know what it is with England coaches, but you'd think by know someone would ahve twigged that Steven Gerrard is fucking awful in an England shirt. He's fine for Liverpool, but can't even piss himself properly with three lions on his scouse chest. Mind you, Lampard was only moderately less awful in this game. Barry, the best of the three starting midfielders was taken off at half time and replaced by an uninspiring Shaun Wright-Phillips. The best midfield performance of the night (from and England player at least) came from David Beckham's 10 minute cameo - now that says something. Walcott, after a bright start was simply ignored by the rest of the team, and the occasional pass he did get aimed at him, particularky by Gerrard, was terrible or left him with nowhere to go. He was completely wasted and the confidence built up against Croatia ebbed away, despite the fact that it was obvious he had the beating of half the Kazakh team if only he could get the ball. Rooney, despite his 2 goals and boundless energy was ineffective, wasteful and generally not very good, yet Jermaine Defoe, unused until the final 10, came on, looked sharp and scored. Heskey played reasonably well but should have grabbed a hat-trick (suffered from Heskey syndrome - unable to hit barn door and fell over a lot), but did link play well. Generally however, a poor performance by England against a team they should have delivered a footballing lesson to. kazakhstan, by contrast, passed crisply, quickly and accurately and created a few chances, I was more than impressed by them, especially given most of their players were so young and inexperience. England were sluggish, seemed to have rediscovered their inability to pass to each other or keep the ball, didn't create many chances and generally looked like they would struggle if they were playing Swindon Town.

England Team

James - didn't have much to do except deal with an awful Upson back pass and pick the ball out of the net. 6

Brown - Played reasonably well and made some good forward runs, and provided cover at the back for what was a shakey looking central partnership. 6

Ferdinand - Scored the opener and played reasonably well in defence, but did not seem to spur the team on in his Captain's role. 6

Upson - looked shakey and overawed, causing several dangerous moments in defence. 4

Cole - Played a dreadful ball across his own box to gift kazakhstan a goal and generally defended flimsily - looked better going forward but some passes and crosses went astray. 5

Gerrard - TERRIBLE - misplaced almost every pass, lost possession whenever he had the ball, didn't get forward enough - I could go on. As far as I'm concerned there never was a Gerrard-Lampard debate - Gerrard CANNOT play for England. 1

Lampard - Made to look better than he actually played because Gerrard was on the pitch. Some nice touches but some wild balls to nobody. 4

Barry - A few unusual misplaced passes but looked ok going forward and kept the midfield together (even with Gerrard's drag factor). Unlucky to be substitued for Wright-Phillips at half time. 6

Walcott - A bright start gave way to being largely ignored by the rest of the team for some bizarre reason - balls were not played early enough or to the right space for him to turn and run at the defense (which he easily had the beating of). Lack of ball-time seemed to affect his confidence as the game went on and his touch deteriorated in the second half. Not his best game, but not of his own making. 5

Heskey - Played reasonably well and led the line well, winning balls for team-mates - it was a pity not may of his team-mates were there to receive them! Unlucky not to score 2 or even 3, but still lacks the edge of a top finisher. 7

Rooney - Scored two goals and got Man-of the Match in a typically industrious performance, but struggled to get into the game from the left in the first half. As guilty as Gerrard on occasion of squandering possession and frequently came too deep looking for the ball, leaving Heskey isolated. Looked better up front in the second half but again failed to release the ball quickly enough several times to Walcott. 6

Wright-Phillips (for Barry, HT) - Full of running but to little effect. frequently made the wrong choice of final ball, although did win the corner which brought the opener. Like Walcott, underused by the rest of the team and looked uncomfortable on the left. 5

Beckham (for Walcott, 80) - Confident on the ball, accurate with passing and put in some excellent crosses which led to Rooney's second and almost created one for Heskey. England's best misfielder by far. 8

Defoe (for Rooney, 82) - came on, drove into the box and almost created a goal immediately. Looked much more effective than Rooney in the striker role and scored an assured and deserved goal a few minutes later after being put through by Heskey. Probably his best England performance for a while. 7